Have you ever been in a room when someone tried to pull off the “respect talk?”
You know…the one that starts with some sort of anger and a lot of finger pointing? It always ends with a rambling list of reasons you should respect whoever is speaking…
“I have an MBA!”…”I played in the NBA!”…”I belong to the NRA”…whatever it is.
Lame.
Here are two facts about me…
1. I have been in many meetings where the coach, teacher, or boss (you name it) has had the “respect talk.” I have never once respected the person more after the talk. In fact, quite the opposite is true.
2. I have been in many rooms when I tried to have that talk. I have never done any better.
Let me let you in on some amazing insight regarding those points…are you ready? Here it is.
I have given up on the respect talk.
I never give it anymore…in fact, I often give advice not to have the “respect talk”…Ever. I’m giving that advice right now. It doesn’t matter that you may be right…it doesn’t work…Ever.
But…that doesn’t mean I don’t have the conversation. I have the “respect talk” at least once a month…
…in my mind.
I’ll catch myself imagining the conversation…I’ll make my points…and they’re awesome! For the first time in history someone has pulled it off! But…of course…that’s in my mind.
The “respect talk” is important to me. Not for leadership of others…but for self leadership. Having the “respect talk” in my mind is a great indicator that I have work to do…
Here are the questions I have to ask when I catch myself.
Who do I need to serve?
Who do I need to apologize to?
Who do I need to respect?
The “respect talk” is an important and dangerous tool for growing leaders…use it correctly.
Wow, this is rapidly my favorite blog site.
I never have the “respect talk” but often wondered if I should have it. Now I know when I feel the need to have it, I need to have it with myself.
I know this blog is geared toward leadership but I’m wondering how this could also apply to marriage.
Thanks Shef!
Hah! I be I’ve learned this most from marriage! When I find myself arguing in my mind (about respect or whatever)..I’ve got some heart work to do. So true…If only I new somebody that worked in counseling…..hmmmmm.
Wow! That so true. Thanks for your time in pouring what’s in your cup into others.
Thanks Adam….thanks for reading.
I love this post! It’s such a great reminder of who is in charge and who deserves respect. Love your thoughts on this topic.
In the context of leading leaders and leading staff, this is incredible. How does it change when you constantly have a student that is disrespectful, not only to you, but to their small group leader, their parents?
Obviously having “the talk” will not change him/her, is it true that just loving them like crazy is the way to do it?
Or am I and their small group leader not respectable (very well could be)…
Yup…that’s right. I was a teacher, coach, and a principal for 10 years….over 1000 kids taught me the “respect talk” rule almost as much as my marriage did!
But…no on the “just love them thing.” This is where a small group based ministry works great. I love not being the primary relationship at this point. Here’s what you have to remember about a kid who is chronically and willfully disobedient or disrespectful….they’re good at it…and it works for them…somewhere it works for them. This isn’t going to change in a talk, a week, or probably a month…this is when you and the sgl need to be consistent and on the same page for 3-6 months if you want to change the behavior and hopefully change the heart.
I usually am the bad cop because I’m not the primary relationship. I need to make decisions on a larger scale…so, in some respects, it’s a simple math problem for me. S0…I simply tell them (with their parents in middle school) that I can’t allow them to be a part of the ministry if they’re going to be so disruptive. The small group leader is there to be the “good cop” (they’re not faking it…they actually want to kid to stay involved…if not, you need to get a new leader). This is very effective around events…we can’t take on the responsibility for a kid that is willfully disobedient at an event where we are away from home or in someone’s home. The kids love events around here…so this is a stinger. You have to be honest with yourself though…they’ll see right through you. If you’re bluffing it won’t work.
The small group leader then has to do the hard work. They spend the next several weeks proving that they will come back…rewarding the right behaviours with attention…and ignoring the others or having the kid removed (with your help.)
There is nothing like truth and love! It takes two of us in our ministry to really show it though.
Just my thoughts though.
thanks so much for the insight. I guess the other big question is always, how do you get small group leaders that love students this much… but that’s another post for another day!
Thanks again.